Beauty That Grows After the Burn

For reasons I’m still unpacking, I’ve always been the person who rises in moments of crisis.
Suicide attempts requiring hands‑on first aid.
Talking someone out of self‑harm.
Pulling a loved one out of a dangerous environment.
Catching an overdose in time.

There’s something in me that activates, like I was built for those moments. But life isn’t always a threat. It isn’t always a crisis.
And yet on a random weekday morning, I’ll find myself clenched, flexed, ready to react. Like… hello? Can I just play Wordle and exist?

I forget - or at least I try to forget - how much I’ve lived through.
I forget how much my body has held.
And I definitely haven’t given myself the grace to let any of it go.
My brain loves the “once X, Y, or Z is done perfectly, then I can rest” lie.

When we pray for good things…patience, peace, clarity, we don’t get a magic wand. We don’t simply become these things.
We get opportunities to practice the skill. And Lord knows we mess it up along the way.
Those mistakes? They’re data.

Most of us aren’t “stressed.”
We’re dysregulated- stuck in a nervous system doing its best with the information it has.
We go and go and go, and no one ever taught us how to understand what’s happening inside.
The good news? We can learn.
The nervous system is trainable.

The brain can change. At ANY age.

Not through hustle.
Not through supplements.
Not through memberships.
Through rhythm, reflection, relationship, and tiny, doable shifts.

The Crash

Last year, as some of the young people I’ve worked with would say, and as my 13-year-old nephew noted - I crashed out.
I left a relationship, a community, a job, a whole life. My identity felt stripped.

I walked. A lot.
I wrote. A lot.
I cried. A lot.
I moved my body. A lot.
I checked in with myself, often.

I listened to nature’s whisper - and then to her scream.

Go.
Into the unknown.
On your own.
Do it scared.
Do it alone.

Just, go.

I moved to Arizona … music opportunities, mental strength coaching for an elite volleyball team, a professional development partnership with Gateway Academy.
Aligned values.
Aligned purpose.
Steady pay.
Good pay.
Nice tan.
Pool days.

Finally!!!

Then an overdue trip home revealed family issues, and fate rerouted me back. Back to an environment I had fled.
Back to systems and dynamics I had never really lived inside as an adult. Old patterns surfaced.
Mirrors everywhere.
Everything I’d avoided for well over a decade sat down in front of me and said,

“Hi. Ready to deal with me now?”

Epigenetics became my late‑night reading.
Knowing is one thing. Implementing is another.
Life demanded more of me. Survival mode became the norm.

Work harder. Try harder. Don’t stop.

Dissociation: The Emergency Override

I’ve been tuning out my body since childhood.
At 16, I started having dissociative episodes, ah yes… the brain’s emergency override switch.

Depersonalization. Derealization. Dissociative amnesia. Trauma‑linked blackouts.

I went through brain scans, doctor’s appointments, neurological evaluations. No one asked about trauma.
I didn’t know enough to offer context.
So I kept asking myself, What is wrong with me?

In my early 20s, they put me on seizure medication. And that’s where that journey ended.
I was slow, dull, non‑expressive. My roommate said I didn’t “seem like Suz” anymore. I stopped the meds.

Then came more journaling. Tracking. Trying.
And then - an unexpected crisis while working in the field.

The right place, the right time - where I saved an individual attempting to take their life. I was far out from service in the back country. Just a week before the incident I received my wilderness first aid training. I remember feeling strangely grateful afterward. There’s something wired within me that is shaped by past trauma and survival that clings to systems and contingency plans. If this happens, then I can do that. The chaotic circumstances I have experienced somehow keep rounding me back toward something beautiful.

My beauty is the kind that grows out of rupture, out of things that should have fallen apart but didn’t.

The beauty I find is like a post-wildfire burn. Ash everywhere, devastation obvious.
But if you look closely, there’s tiny green sprouts pushing up through the forest floor. A beauty most miss unless there’s willingness to look for it. It’s messy, and it doesn’t always feel good - but it roots me & guides me in faith.

That moment forced me into my first therapist’s office, just about 10 years ago.
I’m forever grateful.
To be there for someone who felt like a mirror.
To finally unfold what I have been holding.

It didn’t take long for my “seizures” to be identified as trauma‑linked dissociation. A biological reflex. A strategy.

Reconnecting With My Body

After a PTSD diagnosis, I found yin yoga. A deliberate practice that sometimes takes me half a session just to feel like I am on earth again. It was easier to drop in when my basic needs were met, schedule was set, and my path was clear.

But the past few months?
Less connection.
More hustle.
More “be better, get stronger, push harder.”
Not much time to simply be.
(Ok! Maaaaaybe the time was there & I just didn’t choose it.)

Weeks of shoulder pain finally sent me to get checked.
Tightness. Knots. Tension.
A place I’ve always held emotion.

I’ve been forced to physically rest. I’m noticing. I’m trying to let go. I’m healing.

The System Beneath the Habits

No wellness routine matters if I don’t address the system.

Not the focus tools.
Not the habit tracker.
Not the journaling practice.

The system in me that runs until shutdown.
The system that says the world is crumbling and it’s my job to fix it.

Logically, it seems simple: If I want the world around me to be better, get better - get well - heal.

Let it ripple.

Week One: Foundations

I’ve done the “all habits at once” thing before. Actually - a lot of times.
Spoiler: it always crashes.

But I learn … a lot! Seriously.
Mostly so I can teach others. Hehe.

This time, I’m going slow. I am one week in.

The focus: awareness and baseline rhythms.

• Wake at a consistent time

• Hydrate & 10 min of morning light before phone

• No coffee after 12 (I tried no coffee for 2 days… absolutely not worth it)

• No scrolling before bed

• And going into Week Two: no phone in bed. Period.

Why the phone?
Because the first 90 minutes after waking set your nervous system’s tone. Checking email or social media immediately throws you into a defensive state. We weren’t designed for that kind of input!!! We built these environments, so we can unbuild them too.

I’ve had seasons where late‑night scrolling was a regular thing, especially when I worked overnights and my whole rhythm was upside down. There’s real science behind it: your brain is tired, impulse control drops, blue light kills melatonin, and suddenly it’s 2 a.m. and you’re doom‑scrolling. It’s the inner teenager in me demanding “revenge time,” consuming nonsense I definitely don’t have the energy to fact‑check.

The Simple Goal of this week:
-Reduce cortisol awakening response (CAR)
-Improve sleep onset clarity.

Some mornings have been better than others. My CAR has been strong, especially as my shoulder pain eases and I’m eager to GO. I’ve always been an early morning person, but now I understand that “jolting awake” is my baseline stress state.

So, I’m practicing what I preach- gather & use data to design interventions!!!
I’m researching saliva tests to track my cortisol curve over the next few weeks. Subjective clues matter - but it’s 2026. We have tools. We have SCIENCE! :)

This first week wasn’t about fixing anything &that’s been extremely uncomfortable and new for me.
It was about noticing.
Noticing how quickly I reach for stimulation.
Noticing how my body responds to rhythm.
Noticing how loud my body has been screaming for safety instead of hustle.

It was about building a foundation instead of a performance. It was about creating something sustainable.

Week 2: Vagal Stimulation

Now that the groundwork is set - I enter week 2!

Shifting from awareness to activation. From observing the system to gently influencing it.
From “What state am I in?” to “How can I support my state?”

A lil glimpse into what I will be getting into daily:

• intentional vagal stimulation (5< min breathing practice)

• cold immersion

• daily singing/humming

• prioritize protein

Not forcing calm. Not chasing zen. Giving the nervous system the signals to soften, settle, and trust. Unfolding in real time.

Until then... <3